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Pre-marital sex: Is it possible to abstain?



Pre-marital sex: Is it possible to abstain?

What the Bible says about pre-marital sex

As a single mum, it is not easy to talk about this matter without being judged. However, the fact that I became a mother at teenage will not stop me from delving into this sticky issue of premarital sex.

It has been a few years since I got born again. My stance on premarital sex has always been the same. However, daily fellowship with God through His written Word has shaped me to be a better disciple and given me more reasons to obey His Word. Many young Christians find themselves torn between accepting the Word and conforming to the standards of the world around them. Even in church, there are people who suggest that it is okay for unmarried people to engage in sex.

God hates sexual sin

Many people have different opinions regarding the issue of premarital sex, and it is very easy to fall for false doctrines. People’s opinions can be factual but false. The only truth is found in the pure written Word, which we all have access to. Even if you read it as a novel, without the guidance of the Holy Spirit, you will still get the same message – God hates sexual sin! Now, you may ask if sexual sin is “bigger” than any other sin such as lying, stealing etc, I will not delve into that. But if you have read the Word, know that God hates sin and go ahead to do that which He has cautioned us against, you have disobeyed.

The place of premarital sex in the occultic world

Well, if you have interacted with people who have been in occultic worship, you will realise that illicit sex has its own harmful effects. It is used to syphon virtues and many other treasures that God has stored up for you in the spirit. The fact that the demon named Maze in the series “Lucifer” is always preoccupied with sex should tell you something. If you are a Christian and find yourself indulging in illicit sex, whether premarital or extramarital, you need to repent quickly.

See Also: Sex: A familiar fruit on a strange tree

Pre-marital sex is a form of idolatry

In his book “gods at war”, Kyle Idleman says that sex can become an idol. He goes on to quote a journal article that lists the long-term effects of viewing pornography as decreased satisfaction with one’s sexual partner, a decrease in how much one values faithfulness and a major increase in the importance of sex without attachment.

My favourite Christian authors, Drs Henry Cloud and John Townsend in their book “Boundaries in dating” explain the purpose of waiting till marriage vividly. According to them, a person who cannot delay gratification is dangerous as a spouse – because life’s best opportunities come through patience. It means that they will never have time to please their partner – only their needs matter. Seen people who flare up at the slightest sight of delay – whether in traffic, at the bank or elsewhere? People who cannot delay gratification are generally very impatient. They cannot wait for you to come from the grocery store, trip… and cannot give your children the chance to grow (through their mistakes).

What about grace?

Modern day Christians use the law of grace to justify sin. They reason that there is no condemnation because Jesus has already paid for their past, present and future sins. Well, that is not how grace works. While we are not under the law, God expects us to live in obedience to His commands and walk blamelessly before Him. While He does not look at our fallen bodies, we still need to maintain holiness. When He looks at the spirit of a born-again believer, He sees righteousness because no sin can contaminate such a spirit, but we are to flee from sin. If we truly love Him, we shall hate what He hates and love what He loves. While He may not punish us for our sins, we open up our souls to attacks from the devil. This is why some people have experienced untold hardships after giving in to sin.

Virgins in our midst

Abstinence is also supported by research, which has found that waiting until marriage enhances a couple’s relationship stability, satisfaction, communication and sexual lives.

Well, when I was getting back into dating, I used to wonder whether it is possible for a guy to wait until marriage. Before I gave my life to Christ, it was okay for people to test-drive before settling down or so I thought. But I found people in ministry engaging in premarital sex, and this made me confused. The test was hard, but eventually, I came to realize that every that proceeds from the mouth of God must come to pass.

One day I attended the “Boy meets Girl” forum a CITAM and a popular TV personality was talking about his life as a virgin – at 30! Well, a couple of friends have also come forward and shared their experiences and sure, it is possible for an adult to keep away from pre-marital sex – not by their own power but by the grace of God.

The way forward

Kyle Idleman advises:

“We need to take control of our thoughts, submitting them to God along with everything else in our lives. And we do have a great deal of control over what we do with these thoughts once they occur to us. When a thought comes, we must make a choice. Take inventory of your thought life.

“What does it tell you about yourself? Ask God to make you more conscious of what’s on your mind, and to help you move your thinking in healthier directions … The best way to keep bad things out is to fill ‘er up with the good things. In other words, we don’t just remove the god of sexual pleasure; we replace the god of pleasure with the Lord God.

“…Think of the sites you vist as temples where you go to worship. This is another area over which we have control. Consider placing filters on your home computer, so that questionable sites aren’t even an option.

“… Take inventory of where you stand with God these days. Is He real to you – a daily presence in your life? Where is He in your thoughts when temptations come? Do you believe He has the power to rescue you? Jesus taught His disciples to pray, “Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one” (Matt 6:13). Ask God to lead you to places and situations where you won’t be tempted. Remember that He is always there, and will never leave you nor forsake you…”

In conclusion, sex is an important aspect in intimate relationships but engaging in premarital sex can have devastating effects. It can deny you the chance to enjoy the essence of courtship, which is to learn more about the other person. In general dating, it can cause shame and guilt. Idolising sex also makes people to devalue the gift of sex. Engaging in sex without any emotional attachment can destroy marriages and relationships.

While it is hard to abstain from sex, we can win the battle in our minds by focusing the energy to other things. We all have the capacity to overcome sexual sin. Mastering the art of delaying gratification is a key to more fulfilling relationships and successful marriages.


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